Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
