pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
