there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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