My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
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