oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
