My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Randomize
