There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
