just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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