I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I got inside last night via doggy door
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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