well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
