mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
