they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
