I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
