Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
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