No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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