I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
