bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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