3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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