nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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