I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
