I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
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