6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize