Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
