Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
