Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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