How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
