New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize