I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
