You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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