Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Randomize
