Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
