I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
