Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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