Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
