walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
