We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
