I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
