At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
