I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
