chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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