its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
