I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
