U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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