The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
