How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Randomize
