All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
