How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize