had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Randomize
