I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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