Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I could fuck to npr.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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