my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
