If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
third nipple confirmed
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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