Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Randomize
