We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
