what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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