Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
