I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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